TIES that BIND
I have no idea how it started or who launched it. Nevertheless
years after all of the women in my family died (they were the
initiators of all of our major family events and thingamajigs.
After the demise of these women our family unit was left largely
comprised of men). In recent years, I started paying attention
to remarks that I'd heard growing up and today continually hear
from other family members about how our family is considerably
dissimilar or substantially distant from each other and how we
were markedly contrasted from that of other families. As a young
adult, I sold into that inconsistency and I eventually started
to believe it. Now, from top to bottom I fervently want to know
how this mis-perception spawned. I had to see for myself if this
"assumption" holds water.
For years, we never even batted an eye when someone described
our clan as being "distantly different" or because we were just
"living our own lives" and rarely visited or even spoke to one
another on more of a consistent basis. (Some live in different
cities within Chicago or have moved from Illinois altogether).
That action or lack thereof was justified by some with the
remark of "well you know how we are". Only recently have I begun
to exasperatingly resent whenever I heard that comment.
As I frequently do when a believable answer is not plausible
enough to curb my ever-voracious appetite for the curious, I
allow my mind to journey into an objective mode. Consequently, I
intellectually remove myself from my customary "family
character" sanctioning a view of my kinfolk with an unprejudiced
angle.
I am returning from a trip to Windy City Chicago where I grew
up. During my visit with my family, my eyes were opened to a
host of existing modifications although some were new ones to
me. I say with resounding pride, the changes that I witnessed
were heart-rending.
First and foremost, two of my cousins have recently married
amazing women who support and love them very much.
It seemed only yesterday when my sister, cousins and I were the
ones running around during family get-togethers. We were the
cores of attention and all of our uncles, aunts and senior
cousins were doting on US. Here and now WE are the ones who have
traded places with those elders (some have passed on while
others are well into retirement years and/or in ill health), and
now WE dote on OUR offspring and grandchildren. This new-fangled
exchange of ranks swiftly required me to come to grips with my
own mortality. These scenarios were continually restated inside
my psyche and I was once more reminded that time waits for no
one.
My only niece (the ravishing beaut that she is, used to stick to
me like glue back in the day and always wanted to follow me
EVERYWHERE) now has a bubbly daughter of her own! I am still
coming to grips with THAT one because it seemed to have happened
over night.
It's reflective to see my cousin (who can be described as eye
candy and is as fine as the Denzel Washington's and the Shamaar
Moore's all skillfully wrapped in one crisp package, and has
deep dimples just like my sister), who is the Editor of his OWN
newspaper. He sat and interfaced with our relatives and
articulately discussed in meticulous terms "grown folk" talk
with the best of em. (I'm sure he will love reading that I used
to change his diapers!).
When I gaze into the faces of my niece and this particular
cousin, I still envision them as they were in babyhood. Inasmuch
as I try not to view them in that manner, I am helpless. It's as
though I'm lovingly gazing into the faces of my very own son and
daughter when I first brought them home from the hospital.
Another cousin is writing a book (no I am NOT the only writer in
my family by a long shot!!). He and I were as thick as thieves
when we were teens and we were always getting into mischief.
Although when we were caught, he was the one who was able to
maintain a straight face (same holds true today) hence, since I
did not have as much restraint as he, I'd always burst into
tearstained laughter and ultimately end up taking the fall for
our blunders.
He and I enjoyed a heartfelt tear-jerking laugh about an OLD,
OLD joke. The familiar vibe that we shared as teenagers still
remained as comfortable and familiar as an old pair of socks. I
finally had the opportunity to finally meet his wife along with
his three sons. He has a family to be proud of. He has done well
for himself and I am proud of him.
Yet another cousin has his own sound production company. He does
the "sound" at concerts of popular recording artists and a lot
of his clientele are the ones that we see and hear on videos and
radio. I had the opportunity to sit and talk at length with his
daughter (who is named after one of my favorite aunts who passed
away a long time ago). She is furthering her education and is on
her way to success. I beam with pride when I hear the strides
that the young people in my family are making.
Because of the geographical distance that I created in my life
the family-tie, as I knew it back then will never be the same
with my cousins and my niece. People grow up, procreate and
begin to build a life interdependent of the lives that they
experienced with their immediate family. But aren't these types
of transitions supposed to happen? Due to the "modernity" in and
of my family tree, I have accepted this latest trend along with
the new position that it puts me in realizing it's not worse,
nor better, it's just different. Hey it is what it is and life
goes on.
A few of the aged and pre-existing changes were not immediately
recognizable from the naked eye. Maybe it was because they
weren't CHANGES at all, but had always been an actuality amongst
our family. All anyone needed to do to see it clearly was to
take a visually detailed gander and there it was in full view.
The reality of what I saw pertaining to my family as a whole is
that the women as well as the men have ALWAYS maintained steady
employment. I'm not talking about 5 years here, 3 years there.
I'm talking employment of the fixed kind. You know the types.
The ones who have been at the very SAME job for 30 plus years.
THOSE FOLK. I know you have a few of those in your family too.
Most families do. These people have spent protracted years at
one job. Today they have retired from their places of employment
and are living the remainder of their lives in harmony and
repose. This is what people naturally do after no longer being
able to do what they've been accustomed to doing for a great
portion of their lives. Others have left one job and taken on
another. God Bless em. When I retire from one job that's it for
me!!!!!! Everyday I am trying to ensure that my retirement will
be just that. RETIREMENT!
With that said, I fail to see how my family "differs". Where is
the true dysfunction? I say "true" because all families exhibit
some sort of idiosyncratic behavior within itself. Each family
has lapses of time that they go without seeing or speaking,
especially if distance is a factor. Each family has members that
they don't like or don't like as much. There are always gonna be
quirks, behavior or personality differences or traits amongst
relatives that agitate some. The fact of the matter is that we
will never like all of our relatives. There will always be one,
two or maybe a handful of our kin that irks the heck out of us
no matter what they do or don't do. I am sure that I drive
others to the brink of combustion with the idiosyncrasies that
I've had all of my life!! Those are just the factual realities
of having family. Nevertheless we indulge or ignore them and
make no material issue of it. We tolerate these differences or
minor annoyances because we ARE family and we are all tied. The
importance of the closeness that we all share should outweigh
the insignificant irritants. The end result is the difference
between what matters most and what matters much.
The most dominant virtues that really caught my attention were
that none of us are drug abusers. None of us have been in jail,
or have criminal records. None of the men or women were
physically abusive to or abused by their significant other. Not
one of my family members even smokes cigarettes, not ONE!!! In a
distressed world such as we live in today, the former
characteristics are momentous and say an awful lot about a
person, more importantly an entire family. Are we unusually
different because we live our lives as productive members of
society? Beats me.
I'll admit that we were all guilty of being distant for a while.
When most of the women started dropping like dead flies no one
knew how to behave as "family" anymore I surmise. For years we
remained in devastation. We are guilty of that. So sue us.
Sentence us if you will because for years every woman (who was
the glue that normally kept the reunion that is coupled with
FAMILY in tact) got sick and eventually died a slow, painful
death from cancer of some sort. Therefore, leaving the men to do
what those women who passed on did best. The men that were left
had no interest whatsoever in calling relatives to plan a
thanksgiving dinner, a birthday party or a weekend hob knob.
They didn't have to. They simply moseyed on over to a
girlfriends house, or a neighbors house or your local diner and
grabbed a meal. What I'm trying to say is, it was the women, at
least in my family back in the day, that orchestrated
EVERYTHING. With them no longer amongst us, the men were at a
loss.
The points of view to remember here are the relatives that I
have are family members of mine. I claim them with all of their
eccentricities, peculiarities, quirks, foibles and
unconventional behaviors. We all have them and no one is
perfect. We are all woven from the same threads of cloth. They
are part of who I am today. They are the blood that travels
inconspicuously throughout my veins that thrusts life into me.
They are my roots and my end and my beginning. They are my
sounding board and my cushion.
I had to travel back to Windy City Chicago and I thought I was
going back to visit an ill uncle and to establish some semblance
of a re-connect with those that distance and time pulled me from
and I'm glad that I did travel back.
I realize that I have a family that anyone in their right mind
would be fortunate to admit and recognize as being their family.
I have people that are part of me who are editors, musicians,
soundmen and writers. Correct me if I am wrong but aren't these
the some of the same job titles that we see when credits are
being rolled at the end of a movie? Aren't these some of the
positions that most rattle their brain spending countless hours
studying to become while attending Ivy League Schools across the
United States? And here I am lucky enough to have members of
such within MY very own family. Sure we might not see or speak
to each other every day. But I guarantee you if I needed them I
mean REALLY needed them, they would be there for me in a
heartbeat. I can say that now but TRUST ME I didn't always feel
this way.
When I was married I naively believed that I no longer needed my
biological family. (I was harboring resentment for my mom
because she told me when I was a young girl that my biological
dad was dead. A lot of my family knew the truth and since no one
told me any different I was angry with everyone when I found out
the real deal behind this "daddy business". Years later, and
with profound heartache and disappointment, I found out not only
was my dad alive but within the last ten years, he was released
from prison for murdering the husband of a woman that he was
seeing when he was supposedly dating my mom. My mom didn't want
us to associate with him and that is why she told us that he was
dead. I have to admit this was the one time that I was sorry
that I was always so inquisitive. To this day, I do not even
know my father's name nor do I want to. Luckily, my mom and dad
never married so I can thankfully say that he is not part of my
wonderful family unit). I had buried my " natural family" in my
hurt and tears. Hadn't I experienced enough hurt and pain in my
OWN life? I thought.
I blamed my entire family for a bad judgment call on the part of
my mother. They all thought that I knew my dad was alive, at
least. Imagine MY devastation when THAT news was laid on me!!
Whew!!!!!!!!! But true to form, eventually I bounced back. Lots
of families are full of drama but mine was full of death and
trauma. No wonder we were taken aback. It took years for us to
recover after loosing so many women so quickly. We needed a
minute to regroup, refocus and invent another game plan wouldn't
you say? What family wouldn't?? But we all managed to survive. I
come from an entire generation of survivors.
My wake-up call came when I divorced and the family that I
thought would always be there for me ultimately was not.
Eventually I was slowly ostracized from them. After that
happened I didn't feel as though I belonged to "anyone" or
"anywhere". I didn't feel I belonged to a "family" unit.
If you're married and you think the family that you married into
will be there for you, get a divorce. On second thought go for
the gusto and just get separated. There is no other way to
remind one that blood although often doubted, is ALWAYS thicker
than water. I encourage you to e-mail me and let me know the end
result if you so desire.
Point being is I was drawn back to the very same biological
family that I tried unsuccessfully to deny and ignore. It just
goes to show you that we are always drawn back to our roots for
something. It is an inevitability that we cannot deny. I know I
could not and no longer want to deny mine. Thank God there is a
lesson to learn every day. Where would I be without MY family???
Today, this writer doesn't care how it started or who launched
it. It doesn't matter how "dysfunctionally dissimilar" people
think we are, be it a relative or someone on the outside. We are
all part of the same gene and love one another. Maybe we have a
quiet way of showing it. Maybe we don't exhibit our love in
terms of how society dictates that we should. But the bottom
line is we are all linked as one no matter how much some fight
it, hide it, run away from it, disown it, cover it up, ignore it
or deny it. WE ARE FAMILY. As far as I'm concerned, my family is
a great-big-deal. My family is the one bind that I don't mind
being tied to for these are MY TIES that BIND.
© 2005 by C. V. Harris. All rights reserved
About the Author
C.V. Harris' passon for expressing the sentiments of love, grief
and triumph can be both entertaining as well as motivating. She
lives in New Jersey with her two young-adult children, and her
favorite family member of all, her dog Mitzi. Visit her Blog at
http://onewriterwriting.blogspot.com.
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